Written By: Justina Murphy

Would it be embarrassing to admit that as an elder thirty-something, I struggle immensely with insecurity? Specifically insecurity among other women? I spent years never really feeling as though I belonged or fit in. After almost every social event, I felt plagued with a vulnerability hangover (why did I say that?!).

So imagine, if you will, the level of anxiety produced when I went out on a limb and bought a ticket to attend an all-women’s worship event on the other end of the country. If you figure I was nervous up to my eyebrows about navigating a new city, planes, and rental cars alone, you are correct, that was my reality. But a few months before the event I was invited to join other women on this excursion and I excitedly released any anxiety around traveling alone. Though, it wasn’t long before those old anxious thoughts were replaced with new ones. Here I was, set to be traveling all that way to the other end of the country with other women who would then be traveling back with me. In other words, these women would see me again, in my city, in regular life.

If I was a social nutjob, I wouldn’t be able to escape the fallout.

My mind was filled with worry about everything from packing to what to wear to hoping I didn’t sound absolutely crazy in conversation to hoping I didn’t have some unrealized sleep walking problem. In those moments of worry, there was a small part of me that knew it didn’t matter what happened. Comparing myself to others and internally focusing on my short-comings wasn’t the point of this trip, right? Sure, fellowship and camaraderie would be a welcomed perk but the goal was unbridled connection with God. It was an opportunity to escape the to-dos of normal life and sit in His glory alongside others who understood the uniqueness of a woman’s human experience.

But… as our human mind does, even knowing the purpose of the trip, my mind never fully released those worries. Those thoughts of insecurity still festered. Hindsight shows it clearly, the enemy was trying diligently to pull my heart and mind away from WHY I was going on this trip… to be closer with God.

My entire life the enemy has worked (and at times succeeded) at highlighting my insecurities and filling my heart and mind with lies about my value in this world. For many years I have tried to diminish, hide, and run from what was my childhood, my history, my story, all in hopes of winning acceptance. It was too embarrassing to share the hardships of my life. It is too scary to admit my imperfections. The shame of some decisions was too great to reconcile.

On that trip, I had hoped to grow closer to God while sitting in the stadium seat, but God’s plan started with the invitation to join a group of other women. God forced me into an uncomfortable situation and stripped me of any way of escape. For better or worse, these women were stuck with every bit of me and I succumbed to “ahh what the heck. This is me”.

So there we were, day two of the conference and I wish I could say insecurities had been left at the airport, but the truth is they hadn’t. They were like a rock in my shoe, hidden but painful. We had just ended an incredible session of worship and the stadium of over a thousand women began shuffling to return to their seats, get snacks, and prepare for the next session. The shuffle was so much so that I wasn’t fully focused on the speakers who had begun talking. But as I settled into my seat I caught a wisp of what they were saying and in that moment God’s reason for me being there shone brightly. The speakers conveyed (paraphrasing here) “We don’t need to compare ourselves to one another. We’re not even racing each other because we are all running our own different races set by God. There can’t be any comparison because our races aren’t the same”

And there it was, God’s truth, spoken so clearly I couldn’t talk myself out of it. I’m not behind, you’re not behind. No one is failing because God has set forth for each of us a different race. A personalized journey, a lifetime of lives lived that shape us into being the exact people He needs us to be in the exact moments He needs us to be them. If it weren’t for the versions of me, hardships, and all, I wouldn’t be who I am today. If it weren’t for my struggles as a young college kid, feeling alone and abandoned trying to navigate the world, I wouldn’t have a heart for young kids just trying to learn how to be people in the world. If it weren’t for my own traumas and mental health struggles I wouldn’t be able to sit with another person and tell them the value of holding space for the loved ones that feel distant. I wouldn’t be able to confidently say “It likely isn’t anything you did but rather demons of their own. They need you to love them through this time”. Without my postpartum struggles, I wouldn’t have had the wisdom to help my younger sisters and other young mothers through those first trying weeks.

You see it’s easy to look around and compare my race with others, but when I lean into the truth that my race is my own, it frees me to cheer on those running around me.

For days after this event, I unpacked the goodness that permeated every moment of my time there and I recalled so many threads that tied together this simple truth: I don’t need to be insecure. God’s plan for me isn’t meant to look like others. How can I possibly compare the plan He’s made for me with those He’s made for others? It frees me to see every struggle and moment of hardship not as a blemish on who I should be, but rather a building block of who I am meant to become.